The Foreign Service Journal, February 2003

B OOKS 64 F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L / F E B R U A R Y 2 0 0 3 Blending Cultures Foreign at Home and Away: Foreign-Born Wives in the U.S. Foreign Service Margaret Bender, Writers Club Press, 2002, $16.95, paperback, 200 pages. R EVIEWED BY B EN J USTESEN One benefit of leaving the Foreign Service is that you never get that far away. I work in Washington’s non- profit sector, where I recently heard about Margaret Bender’s intriguing self-published book, Foreign at Home and Away: Foreign-Born Wives in the U.S. Foreign Service. An Australian-born Foreign Service spouse, Bender had already published an article in our newsletter, GED Items , back in 1998 recounting her experience taking the GED tests when she finished college. In addi- tion, her book’s subject fascinated me, for I had “acquired” a foreign-born spouse on my first tour (Kingston). The book is a quick read — slim, elegant, perceptive. It contains inter- views with 40 foreign women, from 28 countries, who married U.S. diplomats before or during their own careers. Many struggled against high barriers of culture and language, yet the strug- gle was always worthwhile, just not always fun. Their stories are candid, engaging, even uplifting, but what struck me most was an underlying similarity of theme: a subtle sense of shared struggles, difficult choices, of hidden pain and disappointments. Few seemed unhappy with over- seas embassy life in general, although not all had fulfilling social lives and some longed for more challenging employment opportunities. Many detestedWashington assignments, dis- trusted the U.S. bureaucracy, found American social circles cliquish, and wished their husbands worked less and stayed home more. (A strangely familiar litany!) I’d often wondered why my wife, a globe-trotting Caribbean flight attendant, found the transition to dependent spouse so vex- ing, why she’d gravitated at every post to non-embassy circles, mixing mostly with other foreign-born wives. I blamed her exotic temperament. Now I understood: group therapy! Foreign at Home and Away is oral history at its most entertaining, arranged in understated fashion by a practical writer who groups by topic, not individual. There is no pity here, no complaining about the silliness of a system which forced so many tal- ented wives to step back and “sup- port” their husbands, offering little recognition or appreciation. The book simply details their accomplish- ments, from mundane — learning to drive — to miraculous: choosing which language to teach one’s child. Elisabeth Herz, 76, exemplifies stubborn pragmatism, the battle stan- dard of the successful spouse. The Viennese medical student postponed her career in the 1950s after meeting Martin Herz, eventually U.S. ambas- sador to Bulgaria. Over two decades, she juggled her intermittent career with his, volunteering abroad after completing a Washington medical res- idency. She weathered the ambas- sador’s wife’s open hostility (first tour) and survived a brutal attack by a deranged man (last tour). Eventually she became a women’s psychothera- pist, returning in widowhood to Austria to work and teach. Herz’s story is extraordinary. Yet her companions — most of whom use only first names — offer equally poignant accounts. There is Bo-Yeon, a South Korean flight attendant whose suspicious father had her fiancé inves- tigated before allowing the marriage. Inger, a Danish nurse, married her patient after his serious automobile accident. Maria Bauer’s future hus- band rescued her Czech family during World War II. Susi, a Kuwaiti econo- mist, met her husband in post-war Kuwait. Not every story ends happily. The book was inspired by the life of Prabhi Kavaler, an Indian-born spouse turned FSO, killed in the 1998 Nairobi bombing. Bender’s achievement in oral histo- ry is impressive, yet no commercial publisher saw a market. Eventually she gained encouragement from ADST-DACOR, in whose Diplomats and Diplomacy Series it appears. The final self-published product is attrac- The book is slim, elegant and perceptive — oral history at its most entertaining.