The Foreign Service Journal, March 2009

30 F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L / M A R C H 2 0 0 9 are a specialist/generalist couple that might have problems matching up your posts. • Explore the possibility of additional flexibility in as- signments from a decision by one of you to shift to a dif- ferent career field with greater availability. Obviously, this is not possible for everyone, but it can be worth exploring. • If one of you is eligible for leave without pay, consider that option to avoid separation. Unfortunately, those For- eign Service families that can afford to give up an income for a year or two tend to be more senior and therefore less likely to need to take such a drastic step. Managing Separation If you can’t avoid separation, or if you make a career choice to serve separately, here are some tips to help your families cope: • Visit each other as often as you can afford. Make air- line Web sites your friend to familiarize yourself with the various deals available and, if you can, book flights early. • The absent parent usually travels more than the other, but it is important for the other one to take the children to the other post as well, to “see what dad’s house is like” or to “check out where mom works.” • Every time you get together as a family, hold a meet- ing and plan the next few months. • Make sure the absent parent knows about all major school events so they can, perhaps, plan some visits around them. • Make sure school e-mails and grade reports are sent to both parents. • Get Vonage or Skype and call often! Video phone calls are a great, inexpensive way to keep in touch. • If you are the parent caring for young ones, make sure to include the absent parent in all important family deci- sions. • Try to schedule some time away from the children for the caregiver parent (respite care). • Schedule some time for the children to spend just with the absent parent. At the same time, you will have to accept that you will not be able to be together for many birthdays and anniversaries. If possible, postpone the cel- ebrations until you’re together. Some Policies Need Changing Separated tandem couples not only have obvious per- sonal difficulties, but face an expensive tour with minimal financial aid. Here are some policies that adversely affect separated tandems and should be changed: • R&R. If one spouse is at a post that entitles him or her to go on R&R, while the other is at a post without that option, the non-qualifying spouse cannot accompany the rest of the family without paying out of pocket. Children of separated couples get one trip paid each year to visit the other parent, but separated tandem hus- bands and wives do not get any allowance for visiting each other. Depending on how far apart you are and the airline connections, this can amount to thousands of dol- lars if you choose to visit each other on a regular basis. • Children. Because children cannot be on both tan- dem spouses’ orders, they have to choose which parent’s orders to be be on (usually the one serving where the children will attend school). If the children have to travel to their post at the start of the assignment with the non- carer parent, things get very complicated and cost con- struction is usually more expensive than just buying the plane tickets yourself. (And then you have to navigate the complicated process of trying to get some of these costs reimbursed.) • Separate Maintenance Allowance. There is no SMA for separated tandems, so you have to operate two households, keep two cars, have lots of extra insurance and buy two of almost everything. A final note: If you are serving your first tour apart, the second tours are also directed and you get no prior- ity for bidding if you are serving at non-hardship posts. Although the CDOs do their best to work with you, there is still the stress of not knowing if you will serve together at your second post. This is despite the fact that most Foreign Service members would agree that serving for two years apart from your spouse and chil- dren constitutes a hardship in and of itself. Allocating some form of hardship points for those bidding under such constraints would be an effective, no-cost solution to this problem. Fortunately, our story has a happy ending. Our chil- dren have had the benefits of learning about two cultures, not just one, and have become adept at traveling without a parent. And with some Foreign Service experience under our belt, we were better equipped to work through the assignment process when bidding on our second tours. So even though there were only three matching posts worldwide available to us in the summer of 2009, my husband and I are looking forward to serving our sec- ond tour together in Kenya. F O C U S