The Foreign Service Journal, March 2009

M A R C H 2 0 0 9 / F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L 37 may prefer text messaging or e-mails to phone conversa- tions, so talk about your daily communication times and methods before you depart for post. “Wow, (s)he seemed really distant!” Physical distance can sometimes create the illusion of emotional distance. Make sure you don’t invest too much energy in worrying about a bad communication day or if a day goes by with- out contact due to unforeseen circumstances. When we live in the same place as our partners, it is easy to see that they are just “out of sorts” for some reason not associated with the relationship. It is much harder to “see” a bad day on the phone or via the Internet. So don’t automatically as- sume that a bad communication day means trouble for the relationship; wait a day or two and see if things improve on their own. Feelings are OK, but guilt trips aren’t. If you are having a bad day or if you are feeling particularly lonely, share your feelings. Let your partner share their feelings, as well. And try to really listen to what your partner is saying to you. If a stray hurtful comment gets out, apologize as soon as possible and agree to talk about the underlying issue when you are “face to face” — then let it go. Some discussions are just not meant to be conducted over the airwaves. Be flexible in celebrating special occasions. If you can be together on the exact date of your anniver- sary or a birthday or holiday, won- derful! But if not, find other ways to let your partner know you re- membered an important date, such as reserving a day when you can be together to celebrate. In 2007, our family cele- brated Christmas in November, and that was just as mean- ingful as it would have been on Dec. 25 — because we were all together. (At the same time, keep in mind that birthdays and anniversaries are, after all, just a day.) Three days and a wake-up. Always have a date planned for your next reunion. In the Navy, we counted down sep- arations as a number of days and a wake-up. Knowing the exact day you’ll see each other again provides hope. If the “wake-up” day is changed due to external forces, just think of it as an opportunity to savor the anticipation. For in- stance, I have 23 weeks and a wake-up as I write! One week for each month apart. When couples are sep- arated for long periods, each partner develops a certain autonomy, taking charge of their immediate destiny. So it takes time to adjust to sharing responsibilities and get back to “normal” family life — however you and your spouse define that term. A good rule of thumb from my own experience as a Navy wife is that it takes one week for every month apart to achieve that equilibrium. Heather Coble Embassy Suva F AIR T REATMENT FOR T ANDEMS , P LEASE My husband and I are both in the Foreign Service — yet as I have pointed out to the Family Liaison Office, none of their offerings for “unaccompanied tour” family members address the issues tandem couples face. There are no programs for us, nor any extra “adjustment” days to account for the fact that we don’t have our spouses to help us. Vir- tually all of the materials I’ve read suggest that spouses take up a hobby or find part-time work to fill the void. I have also logged onto teleconferences designed for left-behind spouses, only to find that they, too, focused exclusively on at-home spouses. Tandems are a large percentage of the For- eign Service, so I suspect I am far from alone in my concern about this. At my current post, management took the view that be- cause my husband was going to Baghdad at about the same time that our daughter and I were arriving here, we only needed a house for one or two people. Our place is so tiny that there is only room for two beds — no spare rooms or spare beds at all. Worse, they did not tell us this when we were still at our previous post and could have planned for a smaller house (emergency storage is authorized for Iraq employees). In fact, post management assured us that we would get a house big enough for three or four people. When we pointed out the problem, they refused to give us a house appropriate for our family size, even when my husband was paneled for an onward assignment here. F O C U S It astonishes me that the State Department still apparently believes that most Foreign Service families consist of an FSO plus an at-home spouse.