The Foreign Service Journal, March 2014

THE FOREIGN SERVICE JOURNAL | MARCH 2014 41 of American normalcy. Living on a single-income salary in East Africa is far more manageable than it is in any American metropolis. I envy friends’ kids who already have more life experience under their tweeny belts than I have accrued during my 30 years of existence. These kids have grown up in places like Italy, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Japan, Kenya, Switzerland and Costa Rica. But it’s okay, because I take my immature self off to exotic locations on “holiday” to cope—places like Bali, Phuket, Taipei, Mumbai, Mexico City and Bozeman, Mont. (After living abroad for two years in Asia, Bozeman was as exotic as Penang.) Plus, it’s straight-up impressive that my husband is qualified enough, and has been selected, for his position abroad. I’m one of those “brains are attractive” kinds of girls, you know? I do occasionally whine about mosquitoes, lament that I only find myself residing in hot and humid locales, and dread the fact that many of my clothes will forever have a slightly dusty, storage-like smell because they sat in a shipping con- tainer for eight months last year. But eventually, mosquito bites heal, and I’ll live in a city located at 45° North. And if I weren’t so cheap, I would take my entire wardrobe in for dry cleaning. I really only have one major issue with this lifestyle I’ve stumbled into, and that’s that I’m often labeled a “trailing spouse” (whether vocalized or not) on first introduction. It’s a label that I’m finding difficult to accept, simply due to its eponymous implication of attaching oneself to another. It’s Not the Good Old Days Decades ago, the outward appearance of a trailing spouse directly affected her husband’s work. The performance review of a member of the military or Foreign Service, especially those at high ranks, used to include an assessment of his spouse’s ability to entertain. I can’t imagine making a pot roast, let alone being judged for one. In those good old days, as they’re misleadingly known, a Foreign Service was almost always a man whose wife fol- lowed him overseas. His spouse was expected to host dinners and cocktail gatherings while maintaining the home and her appearance with finesse. The spouse featured in the role of supporting character was a big deal, and “trailing spouse” was (and I do say this with a bit of hesitation) something of an esteemed title. Luckily we’ve moved on, away from an obsession with pot roast and misogynistic tendencies. Both men and women play the role of trailing spouse now, though it’s still more common among the latter; and many of these spouses pursue profes- sional opportunities abroad. But like the term “stay-at-home mom,” “trailing spouse” still has a negative connotation. This has a lot to do with the feminist movement, but it also reflects a strong desire among millennials for innovation and individualism. Members of the “Me, Me, Me” Generation emblazoned on the cover of Time magazine months ago have not been taught how to put themselves behind others. As a result, most young adults today, myself included, are not com- fortable playing a supporting role. Our Generation Back at home, many of my friends are DINKs, which is an unfortunate acronym for what I see as a fortunate situation: Dual Income, No Kids. As products of the Me Generation, we grew up with walls adorned with soccer and softball trophies, and adults cooing that we jump the highest and sing the loud- est and smile the prettiest. We post these facts all over our walls—on Facebook, that is, not in suburban homes. We’ve all gone on to earn college degrees, many of them postgraduate; and some of us have helped start a business or two. As we reach adulthood, we millennials have specific ideals for life. Work hard and play hard. Learn another language. Book exotic and adventurous travel excursions. Know how to address a proper cover letter. Put off having a family in favor of career stability. Learn to write a witty Match.com profile. Do what inspires, but also think about whether these actions look good to others. Many of my friends are able to balance successful relation- ships with their successful careers, and in their free time have successful social lives. When they casually ask me what I am up to these days, I scramble to find an answer that will impress. Most young adults today, myself included, are not comfortable playing a supporting role.