The Foreign Service Journal, April 2021

46 APRIL 2021 | THE FOREIGN SERVICE JOURNAL teleworking with young children present), but they’re doing it under complicated circumstances.” Moving between countries whose governments have different responses to the pandemic gives parents and children “mixed messages about expectations, protections and protocols,” causing anxiety and leading to socially awkward situations. Moreth is leading monthly par- enting groups online for FS parents who need help navigating these murky waters. The 1950s All Over Again? It’s 2021. Women no longer have to resign if they get married, and spouses aren’t rated on their FSO’s annual employee evalua- tion report (EER). Yet many moms in heterosexual partnerships report that their children still turn to mom first, even when dad is at home. An FS specialist mother based in Europe reports that her kids usually come to her for help, even when she’s working and her husband is not. The mental burden on women, she says, is higher than ever. Other moms agree. “The constant struggle over who deals with the kids, who manages them through the day at the expense of the parent’s own work, has been a major stressor on our mar- riage, especially after our transfer, when no one in the family has outside friends or support networks.” The solution for this FSO in South America (who prefers to remain anonymous) has been “for me to lead parent (and lean out of my work) so that my husband can lean in more to his job. This might mean a less awe- some EER and maybe a change in my corridor reputation, but those things matter less than my family.” “My husband comes to me snitching on the kids,” says one FS specialist. “‘So-and-so just did this!’ Well, dad, hubby, what are you going to do about it? Why are you telling me when I am clearly occupied with something else?” Another mom whose partner spends long hours at the embassy says there is an expectation that because so many people work from home, there is more support at home. But “that just hasn’t been the case.” With her spouse still required to work full-time at the embassy, and no household help allowed in the houses at post, she’s on her own to manage their young children as they spend their school days in the din- ing room while she takes work calls in the same room. Her situation is typical: FS families across the globe are feeling this pressure as the parents—mothers and fathers alike—try to find creative solutions that will allow them to make it through their pandemic days together, intact. What to Do? None of the moms this author heard from blame the State Department or any other agency for their predicament—in fact, nearly all mentioned that there is not much their employer could do to fix this situation. But one says she’d like to see management recognize that “this is all really hard on the spouses—especially those who transferred last summer and have no community at post. … So many of us have truly sacrificed to be here. It’s not easy on our families, on our careers, on our mental health. I worry about being away frommy aging parents every day.” Many others point to a need for technological upgrades, at work and at home. They recommend that the embassy upgrade at-home internet bandwidth to accommodate increased use by teleworking parents and distance learning students. “Give us the tech we need,” says one. “I need a monitor and a laptop I can use exclusively for work. I could spend $3,000 and buy a setup here; but I can’t really afford it, and I would spend twice as much buying locally.” Married couples need to find ways to support one another. “In our dual career household, we try to specify specific times for each parent to assume primary parental duties during the work- day to increase transparency and accountability in the allocation of household responsibilities,” says one FSOmom. Another mom recommends that families “do what is right for them.” As she points out: “Most Americans have more annual leave than they can ever use, and we shouldn’t feel guilty for tak- ing time that is ours.” We all like to feel critical to the mission, she says, but don’t let work overtake all areas of your life. Jason Singer, AFSA’s USAID vice president, says AFSA encour- ages Foreign Service members to take advantage of the agency’s Staff Care and talk with their supervisors about work-life balance needs and flexibilities. “I’m a parent of two teenagers,” he says, and “these are not easy times. Speaking personally, I encourage my colleagues to recognize your own needs and take advantage of agency resources.” USAID officers are passionate about the “The State Department has so many talented, independent and resilient people but ‘doing it all’ is not sustainable,” says Janet Moreth, a social worker with State’s Employee Consultation Services.