The Foreign Service Journal, May 2011

M A Y 2 0 1 1 / F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L 35 bidding choices. And when times are tough for a child, the single parent is often torn between caring for the child and the demands of the job. Depending on the person and the post, single FS parents can find that building a social life is particularly difficult. Many gravitate toward the “family” crowd to participate in ac- tivities that involve the kids. Unwritten Expectations In the bureaucracy and among colleagues, many view singles as unencumbered and, therefore, more available for duty than their married colleagues. As a result, sin- gles often perceive that there are unwritten rules that they be first to step up to volunteer for unaccompanied and danger posts, as well as to work during holidays and put in extra hours any time — or all the time. This pres- sure is not official, but for many singles, it can seem very real and have serious consequences — especially for in- dividuals who tend to be workaholics. Nor does such pressure only happen at overseas posts. One former FSO who spent several years in Washington assignments during the early 1990s recalls that he and sev- eral unmarried colleagues who lived in D.C. were always assigned to the evening and overnight shifts of task forces. They were then required to resolve any action items back in their office before going home to sleep for a few hours. That general attitude toward singles was one of the main reasons this individual left the Foreign Service a few years later. Single Men, Single Women As a general but not universal rule, being single in the Foreign Service presents more of a challenge for women than for men. Not everyone will say this aloud, but most will agree that single men tend to be able to connect more easily with, and marry, non-Americans overseas. Conven- tional wisdom has it that young, single male officers often come back from certain postings with a wife from that country. In fact, more than one-third of all Foreign Serv- ice spouses are foreign-born; and most, though not all, of those spouses are women. Many countries of the world are still patriarchies where the male of the household is the primary breadwinner, so a working single woman is simply not seen as a possible spouse by locals. Obviously this varies greatly from country to coun- try, and the broader expatriate com- munity can offer alternatives for the single woman. Although female FS singles may find active social lives and options for dating overseas, there is no way around the fact that it is still more difficult for a woman to find a part- ner to follow her around the world than for a man. This reality may be shifting as the one- salary household becomes more rare in American society, however. For many Foreign Service families, economic realities dictate that both partners be employed to make ends meet. This is especially true duringWashington tours but, in many cases, overseas as well. One alternative to the “who follows whom?” conun- drum is for FS singles to marry each other, becoming a tandem couple. Tandems also can bid on the same posts and can spend most of their careers together. As they rise in rank, they do run into issues of limited job opportunities at the same posts, in part because one spouse cannot be su- pervised by the other. Tandems may also find that at cer- tain times, one person’s career will take priority and compromises may have to be made in order to serve in the same location. Most tandems will spend at least one year apart, serving in different countries. Today there are about 500 tandem couples in the State Department and an additional 81 interagency tandems, in which one spouse works for another foreign affairs agency. While a degree of creativity is required to ensure two suc- cessful careers, many couples find the tandem arrange- ment works quite well. The Third Sex: Challenges of Dating Local When you work for the American embassy, it is often the case that before you are seen as a man or a woman, you are an American official — “the third sex,” as an FSO on the FSI singles panel explained. This distinction can serve you well, if you know how to use it. In some conservative societies, American Foreign Service women may have access to places and people their female, non- diplomat peers would not have. Societal norms need not always apply. But along with the special status of the third sex come unique challenges for dating locally as an FS single. It can F O C U S Tt is still more difficult for a woman to find a partner to follow her around the world than for a man.