The Foreign Service Journal, May 2011

Still, this was much more than American soldiers had in World Wars I and II. My own parents had a searing ex- perience with separation. Both were members of the Chinese Foreign Service in the early 20th century. When they left China in 1939, my mother didn’t see or speak to her mother for 40 years. We don’t yearn for those good old days! Know Thyself — and Put Family First Having fled as a child across the Soviet Union before becoming a refugee/immigrant in the United States, I was anti-communist to the bone. I still vividly remember a les- son my mother taught me about communism. While watching a 1947 May Day parade in Tashkent, we heard the crowd chant “Stalin is our father; Stalin is our mother.” My mother then told me that the true evil of communists was their desire not just to control your body but to have your soul. While I understood the need for personal sacrifice, I also realized that our children needed a lot from their par- ents. So, very early in our careers, I chose less demanding work and taught the children to respect the 12-hour, six- day-a-week workdays their father had. It takes an entire family to support a demanding work schedule. When my parents came to the United States and started all over again as refugees in 1950, they worked five shifts a day between them at a factory. And I started babysitting my brother when I was 9 and he was 4. Given that background, it wasn’t hard to show our children that they were lucky to enjoy as much of their parents’ sup- port as they did. It is a throwaway line but still true that, on your deathbed, you will not say, “If only I had spent more time at the office.” So push back against those who seek your un- compensated extra hours — and remember that your chil- dren will determine your old age home. In that regard, schools are vital. If at all possible, keep your children with you. Let it be you who make the “mis- takes” in their upbringing, rather than some for-profit over- seas school. And if your children will go to school at post, ensure they receive as “American” an education as possible unless you don’t see them making their lives in the United States. Our children wanted to be Americans as adults, and so they are. Sexual Fidelity: The “Elephant in the Room” Life is hard on marriage. Statis- tically, divorce rates are no higher for the Foreign Service than other professions, but separations and temptation certainly don’t make marriage easier. To be blunt, most of the marital failures I’ve seen, and the concurrent career/family wreckage, have stemmed from adultery. We are all tempted to stray; it is how we respond to temptation that makes a difference. Keep in mind that it is easier never to start that enticing extramarital relation- ship than to mend your marriage after it. If there are problems with the marriage, then focus on solving them. Even if you cannot solve the problems and the marriage ends, it breaks more cleanly and gives every- one a chance to begin anewwithout the burden of betrayal. Spare your second spouse the onus of being the “home wrecker.” Recognize that Life Is Tough and Unfair Chances are that neither you nor your spouse (regard- less of whether or not you are a tandem couple) will get all the jobs you want and deserve. All of us have “lost” assign- ments to someone less qualified; and making lemons from lemonade (since you cannot “grieve” an assignment) is a standard professional diplomatic skill. Agonizing over lost opportunities is futile, and only hurts you. Similarly, both marriage partners rarely reach the same level of success. The odds are very high there will not be two ambassadorships in your career(s), so one or both of you may have to sacrifice a cherished assignment for the sake of the other. If you realize that you can’t accept this kind of trade-off, you may need to rethink your marriage or your current career. I gave up scientific research, but doubt that the world lost another Madame Curie. Instead, I applied my profes- sional expertise to the Foreign Service, so that I could re- tire knowing that I had earned my pension and enjoy the fact that our three children had no university debt — not even after attending an Ivy League school. You gain professional satisfaction from three areas: the post to which you are assigned, the position you hold and the supervisor you have. You gain personal satisfaction from your spouse and family life. If there is a crisis, which counts more? It takes an entire family to support a taxing work schedule. 38 F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L / M A Y 2 0 1 1 F O C U S