The Foreign Service Journal, May 2011

42 F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L / M A Y 2 0 1 1 eight months before Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton’s groundbreaking June 18, 2009, an- nouncement that same-sex partners of Foreign Service personnel would henceforth be entitled to Eligible Family Member status — a major leap toward equality.) What would I do for health in- surance? As a member of a same- sex couple, federal law denies me the option of being covered under Ted’s government-pro- vided plan. Would I be okay with putting my career sec- ond? How would I keep myself busy? And could I deal with not earning my own money? Would I feel as though I were being “kept”? Some friends noticed there were management-coned positions available at my grade in Singapore, which, ac- cording to maps and airline schedules, appeared a short journey away from Jakarta. Maybe a commuting marriage was possible. During the week, we could focus on our re- spective jobs and then share the weekends. It seemed a workable compromise. Time Management 101 Almost as soon as I made the decision, I began to have doubts. Ted and I had never before lived apart as a cou- ple. But I had committed to taking the position, so we began to think earnestly about how we were going to make it work. We would see each other at least three weekends per month, and would not invite houseguests so we could have those days to ourselves. And during the week, we would speak every day about mundane things, as couples experienced in long-distance commuting advised. Then the reality came crashing down. We went back to Washington for training between assignments. Mine was eight weeks longer than Ted’s. We were full of angst the night he left. Remarkably, Ted and I managed to achieve and even surpass our goal of seeing each other three weekends per month. But our weekends weren’t always our own. For instance, I soon found myself coordinating the trans- portation arrangements for a U.S. delegation, headed by President Barack Obama, that would be attending the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation forum, hosted that year by Singapore. That entailed long hours of extensive planning, countless phone calls and constant monitoring of my Black- Berry for several weeks. Meanwhile, Ted and his team in Jakarta were contending with sev- eral natural disasters, terrorist bombings and other challenges. Those pressures rarely allowed him to be away from the telephone and BlackBerry, or to miss meetings. What our friends had told us about the importance of speaking every day about mun- dane events was true. It helped us feel up-to-date on what was going on in each other’s lives, and helped lessen the distance. One trade-off for me, however, was not going out in Singapore as often as I might otherwise have done. We spoke in the evenings, often when Ted was en route to an event, stuck in traffic. (He usually phoned me because initiating or receiving a call on my cell phone proved ter- ribly expensive compared to him calling the land line.) What little I explored of Singapore took place during lunch or on the few weekends we had together there. Be True to Yourself and Your Partner Because of Ted’s responsibilities in Indonesia, he was not as free to travel outside of the country as I was. So I spent most weekends with him there, and that began to feel more like home. Though on the map Singapore and Jakarta are very close, I found that the actual commute was much more time-consuming and stressful than I had imagined. With- out checked baggage, the commute was about five hours each way: a 30-minute trip from the embassy to the air- port right after work on Fridays, check-in at least 45 min- utes before the flight, 1.5 hours in the air (assuming no flight delays), 30 minutes from the gate to the taxi, then a 1.5-hour journey from the airport to our home. And then I reversed the process on Sundays. Occasionally, I missed flights, which was costly in terms of time, hassle (when not flying Singapore Airlines) and money. Despite our best efforts, the commute was taking a real toll on our marriage. During a Thanksgiving trip to Viet- nam, we spent a weekend in Nha Trang — a rare week- end for just the two of us. That weekend brought to the surface my growing fear that Ted and I were beginning to drift apart, a thought that terrified me. F O C U S I love the Foreign Service, but I found that I was willing to give it up if I had to choose between my career and my family.