The Foreign Service Journal, June 2006

L iving overseas as the spouse of a Foreign Service officer has been rewarding and interesting, but what I didn’t expect was the amount of travelingmyhusbandwoulddo and the amount of time the kids and I would be on our own in a foreign country. Several years agowhenhe left for a fewmonths, I decid- ed to talk to others inmy situation. I invited other spouses from the embassy and from the expat business community to share their experiences and frustrations. Having to adjust to this on- again-off-again lifestyle ishardenoughwith- out having to do it in a place where peo- ple don’t speak English, drive on the “wrong” side of the road and where there is noWal-Mart! We came upwith a list to help us func- tion with peace of mind in our spouse’s absence. 1. Know the location of the fuse box and how to change a blown fuse. 2. Have an extra set of keys to every- thing! 3. Know all Personal Identification Numbers. 4. Have a will, and know where it is. 5. Keep passports up to date and in an easily accessible loca- tion. 6. Program the phone numbers of two or three reliable friends into your mobile telephone (and have a mobile tele- phone!). 7. Program the phone number for Post One at the embassy, or the regional security officer, into your mobile phone. 8. Have the phone numbers of at least two reliable friends prominently displayed on the refrigerator. Explain to your chil- dren and babysitters who they are and explainwhen they should be called. 9. Have access to U.S. and local cash for emergencies. 10. Don’t expect too much out of homecomings, especial- ly good (or even any) conversation. Usually your spouse will be jet-lagged and overwhelmed at the adjustment, so be patient for just one more day before sharing your stories. Spouses who are also parents of children at home have a particularly difficult time during extended separations. They miss out on sticky kisses, school plays and ball games. So here’s a list, for both the spouse who’s home and the spouse who’s leaving, of things to do that can help the entire family adjust. For the one leaving: 1. Send regular postcards, letters, mobile phone text mes- sages and e-mails. 2. Take photos and bring them back to share. 3. Bring back small (repeat small) gifts. Help your child start a collection of things such as little dolls, animal figurines, money, etc. from different countries. 4. Call when possible, but don’t expect great conversation. However, “I love you” or “I’m thinking of you” goes a long way. For those spouses remaining at home: 1. Ask for help from friends, and be specific (lunch out for adult conversation, picking upmail from the embassy, etc.). Your friends and colleagues want to help, but often don’t know how, so don’t be shy; just ask. 2. Try something new that you’ve wanted to learn. Taking up a newhobby is a great way to keep yourmind off your prob- lems and make new friends. 3. Keep the usual routine; this will help the children stay adjusted. However, do make a few fun, small changes during the absence. A few nights of cereal for dinner can be a wel- come change. If there is any spouse or child who would like to share sto- ries, get advice and just not feel so isolated during absences, please e-mail me at lisa_a_Kessler@hotmail.com . My fami- ly has been doing the “revolving spouse and father” routine for 10 years and would be more than happy to try and help others get through it a bit easier. Friends can make a world of difference in the Foreign Service! r Lisa Kessler, DrPH, MPH, has been posted to Dubai, Jeddah and Nicosia and is currently in Vienna. She is a professor of public health and the mother of three. She has been married to a “revolving door” spouse for 21 years. FS VOICE: FAMILY MEMBER MATTERS n BY LISA KESSLER When Your Spouse Is Away Having to adjust to this on- again-off-again lifestyle is hard enough without having to do it in a place where people don’t speak English, drive on the “wrong” side of the road and where there is no Wal-Mart! 8 AFSA NEWS • JUNE 2006