The Foreign Service Journal, June 2011

80 F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L / J U N E 2 0 1 1 S CHOOLS S UPPLEMENT The Elements of Choice and Control Part of the anatomy of any transi- tion is also the element of choice. The more say a child has in the move, the more he or she will feel a sense of control. Even having small choices (e.g., what color would you like to paint your new room?) enables the child to avoid feeling like a victim. As Ruth Van Reken says, “The screamers are those whose choices have been taken away.” But not everyone screams — instead of screaming, some kids with- draw and keep all of their emotions inside. The screamer might get the attention, but the young person who holds it all in is also at great risk. This is a delicate topic, as many elements of the Foreign Service lifestyle are not really negotiable. But whenever possible, it is important for children to feel their voice is heard. In those areas where choice is possi- ble, it is also important to empower children and teens to have age-appro- priate input. Knowing that they have been heard, and their input has been taken into consideration, helps young peo- ple to feel they have some sense of control over their lives. Emotional Connection is the Key So who are the kids who are able to transition well? Children and teens who can connect well with others, whether it be with their own parents and siblings, or with teachers, friends and classmates, seem to be the ones who transition best. But if having a sense of connection is so important to emotional well-being, what should parents do after their child or teen has just lost all those relationships in their latest move? Parents need to empathize with their child’s feelings, especially as they cope with the loss of much that was familiar to them when moving inter- nationally. With one airplane ride, the life they knew is gone, and there are no rituals to mark a loss than can be quite profound. As Van Reken explains: “If a child talks about grief, then it’s because they have lost some- Depression, anxiety and other mental health conditions are more common than one might think.