The Foreign Service Journal, June 2021

12 JUNE 2021 | THE FOREIGN SERVICE JOURNAL Where ventilators were almost nonexistent. Staring down the face of a virus that has killed millions. And how did I feel? Well, that’s complicated. I was at war with myself. How could I let this happen? How could I have prevented this from happening? Why us? We had made it almost one full year through an international move and life in two countries where the pandemic rages. And just that day, one day after a posi- tive COVID test, the State Department announced it would be vaccinating its diplomats and their families overseas in short order. Too little, too late. My feelings ran the gamut. What did I feel most acutely? An over- whelming sense of shame. A scarlet letter will now hang from the door of my home, the one that has been open—outdoor space only, mind you—to my kids’ friends in our neighborhood bubble through the thick and thin of a frigid Eastern Euro- pean winter. Now we’re the house that brought the pandemic into the neighborhood, a once-safe space to now be avoided. While we were hardly the first Americans at the U.S. embassy to test positive, the community will start to gossip about who was irresponsible. And this time, the gos- sip will be about us. And then there will be shaming. Because that has been the lot of others who have fallen victim to this unrelenting virus. How did I know that would be the reaction? Because I’ve been that person. I have judged. And I know that it’s not right to judge, but deep down, I think it’s human instinct. And now I’m judging myself. Hard. So judge away. I expect it. The second wave of emotion? Anxiety. As an expat, you do not want to get really sick in Ukraine. How bad would this get for us? Howmany of my children would suffer from COVID-19? Does the embassy have a medical emergency evacuation plan for us should we need oxygen? There’s a rabbit hole of scary thoughts you go down once you test positive, and I was in it. And then, there’s relief. I was so tired. So tired of dodging this damn virus for the past year. So terrified that one of us would bring it home. That my kids would not have their masks on properly every single time we undertook an outing. That that one chance encounter with an Uber driver or passerby would do us in. Well, eventually it did. Now we don’t have to worry anymore. Weight lifted. For a while, at least. The feelings of finding out you are COVID-positive are many and strong. Some will be shocked by the way I felt; maybe some will find refuge in feeling or having felt the same way. Some will try to preach that I never should have left my doorstep. Some may have sympathy. So many will come at me; I could only imagine what they’d say. But have you lived this? Is this your reality? Paranoia. Add that to the list of positive COVID-19 emotions. You think others care so much more about your diagnosis than they actually do. n Loren Braunohler FS family member Former FSO U.S. Embassy Kyiv Submit letters to the editor: journal@afsa.org