The Foreign Service Journal, July-August 2003

way back down — he felt like displaying the memo on his fridge like a grade-school triumph. Frank knew he had found a winning formula. Suddenly, “try” expanded to “endeavor” and, on one occasion when Frank overflowed with confidence, “endeavor to try.” In a memo designed to “express strong concern” that the host government wasn’t “forward-lean- ing” in implementing “robust” protection of intellectual property rights, Frank urged Washington agencies to put the government’s “feet to the fire” and “cross the Rubicon” to revocation of trade preferences. If impact could be measured by applause, then Washington “end- users” were on their feet, and the ovation was thunderous. Like a shower of angry meteorites, Washington “princi- pals” (inevitably, some idiot kept using “principles”) fell all over themselves to “impact” the situation. The timorous desk officer pleaded for consideration of all the “nuances” to the decision, although he was careful “not/not” to oppose any “emerging consensus.” The embassy was summarily authorized to counterattack with a robust IPR enforcement policy of its own. Frank felt … rich, full- bodied, and aromatic. At the next weekly staff meeting, the ambassador sin- gled Frank out for special praise. “It strikes me (Frank made a subconscious note to use that one in his next deci- sion memo) that you’ve done some very solid work on the IPR issue, Frank.” Frank beamed in gratitude, although he was becoming a bit concerned at the scatalogical tinge that seemed to be creeping into embassy parlance. The previous week’s CODEL had been rife with “solid” meet- ings and endless motorcade “movements,” at least one of which the GSO described as having gone “smoothly.” Even the DCM insisted on pronouncing “processes” as “pro-cess-ease,” a name which Frank thought evoked nothing more than a laxative. A s the clichés spewed forth with inexorable flow, the change in the mission was palpable. No longer a bureaucratic backwater struggling just to be the merest blip on the Washington “radar screen,” the embassy was emerging as a white-hot nerve center of U.S. foreign pol- icy. Frank’s peerless way with a tired turn of phrase attracted eager attention from his colleagues at post. As the deadline for submission of the annual Mission Program Plan loomed, the administrative counselor engaged in a breathless process of “back-and-forthing” (or was it “to-and-fro-ing”?) over how best to justify fresh funding. Frank transformed a straightforward “Post has no money” into a “Mission lacks sufficient program resources,” a net gain of five syllables. Unsatisfied, however, Frank persevered and produced “Operating in a negative resource climate, mission agen- cies lack sufficient resources for implementation of pro- gram goals.” Even though he had more than quadrupled the original syllable count, Frank couldn’t be sure the sen- tence would produce the hoped-for largesse back in Foggy Bottom. Then, from a recent meeting with his USAID counterparts, Frank recalled the shining allure of “sustainable.” If all “development” was “sustainable,” then why not all “implementation?” And, like a warm puppy, a State Department favorite nuzzled his ear. How could he have forgotten? “Appropriate!” The department seemed obsessed with the notion that the embassy might somehow decide to intervene with inappropriate officials. Perhaps, Frank imagined, a hapless junior officer had once delivered a human rights demarche to the minister of posts and telecommunications, and FSOs were now forever bur- dened with “appropriate.” In any case, the final sentence read: “Operating in a negative resource climate, mission agencies lack sufficient resources for sustainable imple- mentation of appropriate program goals.” The adminis- trative counselor squealed with glee when she saw Frank’s handiwork and Washington duly authorized a 10-percent budget increase, further embellishing Frank’s aura of memo-writing mojo. Soon his influence was everywhere. The embassy cafe- teria no longer sold “diet soda,” but did a brisk business in “low-calorie carbonated beverages.” If you asked the counter staff for the specials, they’d chirp cheerfully: “In terms of sandwiches, we have tuna and Spam. In terms of burgers, we have cheese and Spam …” Frank caught himself referring to his own car as “my privately-owned vehicle” and even, on one disturbing occasion, pronounc- ing the “h” in “vehicle.” And in a late-night revelation, he remembered that his name was not actually “Frank,” but “Franklin,” and that Franklin was, in fact, one of his mid- dle names. So he became “J. Franklin Lee,” and secretly toyed with the idea of converting “Lee” to “Leigh.” F O C U S J U LY- A U G U S T 2 0 0 3 / F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L 29 Hanscom Smith, an FSO since 1990, has served in Yaounde, Copenhagen, Phnom Penh and Washington, D.C. He is now an economic officer in Bangkok.