The Foreign Service Journal, July-August 2007

notice in the post’s weekly newsletter about the passing of the loved one. That, hopefully, will explain to col- leagues why you are perhaps unusual- ly subdued for a few days at work, and might encourage them to offer you a few words of comfort. If a colleague’s spouse has suffered a loss, don’t just pass a message. Of course you should express condo- lences to your colleague at work. But take five minutes to call the spouse at home — or, if that is too uncomfort- able for you, at least write a note. The spouse may be suffering even more than you realize because he or she is isolated at home in a strange country without the distractions of work in an embassy and the support of friends from home. A phone call will be all the more welcome under those cir- cumstances. Offer your services even if you don’t know the person well. Besides expressing your sympathy, offer to cook a meal (or have one delivered) or help with chores. Or stop by for a chat. It’s only 30 minutes or so of your time — surely you can spare that for another human being in need. Next time you’re on home leave in the U.S., buy a handful of sympathy and get-well cards. Being old-fash- ioned, and raised in the South to boot, I find e-mails just one step above doing nothing. They are fine for quickly acknowledging a piece of sad news, but follow up with some- thing more personal and heartfelt. A greeting card provides a ready-made message when you may not be able to find the words yourself. Don’t make things complicated. I’m a firm believer that expressions of condolence are a personal issue. Don’t pressure co-workers to give money for flowers or take up a group donation to a charity. But do, for hea- ven’s sake, acknowledge the death of a colleague’s loved one — don’t ignore it. True, most people in that situation will realize that the oversight is not intended as a personal affront. But trust me when I testify that it will also not go unnoticed by the person expe- riencing grief. As I said, I was raised in the South. When my mother passed away unexpectedly, I was on mid- tour home leave from Oslo. She became ill suddenly and was gone in a week. There is no way in the world I could have gotten through that shock without her friends. To this day, I still recall being lifted up and carried by the helping hands of a large group of comforting women — through the funeral, burial, closing a large house within two weeks and putting it on the market, etc. They knew I could never repay their acts of kindness, but that wasn’t the point. Nor was my case an isolated incident — they did these things again and again for others in need. In this day and age of ever-increas- ing isolation from other humans, the loss of a loved one — particularly when one is far from home and away from close friends — is definitely a time when business colleagues need to step up to fill the void. Remember: It’s not about you. It’s about the person hurting, who needs the comfort of fellow humans during a difficult period. If ever the Golden Rule applies, it is to situations like this. Joan B. Odean, an office management specialist, joined the Foreign Service in 1985 and served for two years. Since re-entry to the Service in 1992, she has served in Geneva, Bonn, Tel Aviv, Oslo, Moscow and Washington, D.C. She is currently in Ottawa. J U LY- A U G U S T 2 0 0 7 / F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L 17 F S K N O W - H O W