The Foreign Service Journal, July-August 2007

‘Conquest of the Planet of the Apes’? All I can say is that giants walk among us.” The Brazilian, who did not speak English, nodded uneasily. Clarissa pulled Oggie aside. “I need you to take notes at a meeting I’m having now with the vice minister of sauces and savories.” Oggie whisked a handful of dumplings from a passing tray into his mouth. “We can’t really do it here.” “I’ve already asked the Mongolian ambassador. He said we could use one of his side rooms.” Oggie pushed a cream-filled crois- sant into his mouth and looked around, sensing danger. “Maybe Jean-Rudolf should come.” “He’s not around. I need you to do it.” Oggie swallowed the croissant and gnawed slowly on another mutton skewer, considering his options. The trap was becoming clear. “I don’t have a pad to take notes.” Clarissa held up a pad and a Skilcraft pen. Oggie took them and followed Clarissa, with only enough time to snatch a handful of cream puffs as they passed the dessert table. Clarissa led Oggie into a room dec- orated with an array of silver-framed photos of the Mongolian ambassador grinning with presidents, prime min- isters, the Secretary of State, the Pope, the Bee Gees and someone who appeared to be Charo. Clarissa closed the door. The vice minister and his notetaker sat in a pair of chairs and Clarissa and Oggie sat opposite them. Oggie cradled his belly be- tween his legs and opened the notepad with one hand while sucking the last of the cream puffs from the fingers on his other hand. Clarissa had memorized the intri- cacies of the sauce démarche and delivered the points without notes while the vice minister nodded and his assistant scribbled on a pad. After her presentation, the vice minister cleared his throat and thanked Clarissa for her comprehen- sive and clear statement of the U.S. policy. He then launched into his own exhaustive list of reasons he could not accept the U.S. position. He noted the percentage change in subsidy lev- els, touching on the sensitive issue of emulsification of various sauces, and detailed the socio-economic impact of the proposed budget for sauce subsi- dies. Clarissa nodded thoughtfully, while Oggie scribbled busily in his notebook, not even looking up. He turned over a new page even before the vice minister’s notetaker, and Clarissa allowed herself to savor the feeling of victory that she had at last forced Oggie into performing an actu- al task. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw that Oggie was not writ- ing anything. He was doodling. The picture was of a young woman who looked very much like herself being menaced by Darth Vader and Godzilla. The vice minister went on at length regarding the projected national budget, and possible dates for debate on the relevant legislation. Oggie scribbbled and turned the page in his notebook. Clarissa stole anoth- er look at Oggie’s pad and saw he was drawing a smiling cow eating a huge banana split. When the vice minister had fin- ished his rebuttal, Clarissa parried. She cited the potential benefits to both countries of better sauce exchanges, drawing on detailed fig- ures from his own ministry. She switched into the vice minister’s lan- guage, fluently expounding on the long history of friendship between their peoples. With daring swoops into the subjunctive, she finished by citing the recipe for the country’s most revered national dish and quot- ed their greatest poet’s patriotic paean to the dish’s sauce and the hope for humanity such divine sauce repre- sented. Both the vice minister and his assistant nodded with approval. Clarissa looked over and saw Oggie coloring in a picture of an enormous sandwich with wings. “You make a compelling case, Ms. Finks-Elbow,” the vice minister smil- ed, wiping away a tear. “I will take your argument to my minister. You have convinced me: our path to the future is certainly paved with sauce.” Clarissa smiled winningly and shook hands as the vice minister and his assistant left. Then she turned to Oggie and the smile disappeared. “I’ll need a draft of the cable reporting on this meeting tomorrow morning. And I want your draft to include all the details: that means all the dates and numbers and everything the vice min- ister just gave us.” Oggie nodded. Clarissa took a step closer, so her angu- lar face was just inches from Oggie’s round visage. “Use your notes!” she snarled, then stomped out of the room. The next morning, Clarissa got to her desk earlier than usual to draft her letter of reprimand for Oggie. She was almost finished, ready to send a copy to the ambassador, when an e- mail from Oggie popped up on her screen. She considered what his excuses might be for not having the 58 F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L / J U LY- A U G U S T 2 0 0 7 With daring swoops into the subjunctive, she finished by citing the recipe for the country’s most revered national dish.