The Foreign Service Journal, July/August 2018

THE FOREIGN SERVICE JOURNAL | JULY-AUGUST 2018 53 baby. I didn’t—we had a healthy girl; but I was still constantly fatigued and sad, and I didn’t know why. The anxiety slowly turned into depression. In Moscow five years later, I was asked to say a few words on the anniversary of the East Africa bombings. I opened my mouth, and nothing came out. I tried to say the words, but I couldn’t. They wouldn’t come out. I went to the embassy Health Unit, where they told me: “You are a working mother and have three young kids. This is normal. Go home.” I knew something was wrong when, later, I met up with Ambassador Lange and, for no reason at all, began to sob. I had been depressed by then for years. By the time I got to Morocco, I could no longer function. I was constantly worried about my children, and I had lost interest in everything. Once, when my daughter was running on the beach and a large dog began running behind her, I screamed myself into hyste- ria when there was no real threat. It alarmed my husband, and my emotional state began to affect my marriage and family. But things only got worse. I had nightmares about our children dying. And then our daughter became severely depressed. I needed to seek help, again, so I could help her. Where I grew up, in the Midwest, my parents never dreamed of going to a therapist. We were made to think that was only for weak people. But when my 6-year-old daughter was “psychovaced” from post for depression, we got her the help she needed. She got better. But I got worse. Fortunately for me, one of the embassy FSOs had a spouse who was a psychiatrist. And she was a friend. In one of my bleaker moments, I called Susan and said, “You need to make an appointment with me right now, because I will never call back.” And she did. As FSOs, we are so fearful of losing our security clearances, so people don’t ask for help. Susan helped me over a two-year period. She often reminded me that my daughter and I both suffered the same trauma, even though she hadn’t been born yet! Today we are both happy and healthy, physically and mentally. Remember that we all get stressed. And we don’t have to get bombed to suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. A study done for USAID by Greenleaf Integrative two years ago uncovered star- tling statistics showing that the majority of FSOs overseas undergo many of the same stressors as our soldiers in combat experience. We, too, serve in places without our families; we have crushing workloads; we have difficult or unsupportive supervisors; and we work in conflict zones. A U.S. Marine talks with Regional Security Officer John DiCarlo in front of Embassy Dar es Salaam in the aftermath of the Aug. 7, 1998, al-Qaida suicide bombing. Eleven people, including seven locally employed staff members, died in the blast, and 72 others were wounded. BYDSRECORDS [PUBLICDOMAIN],VIAWIKIMEDIACOMMONS