The Foreign Service Journal, July-August 2021

THE FOREIGN SERVICE JOURNAL | JULY-AUGUST 2021 35 is clear that advocating for yourself is grounds for retaliation and loss of a career? For most, losing their job and primary source of income is not an option; but I learned that you have to choose yourself, time and time again. The Importance of Resilience In preparation for my first assignment with the State Depart- ment, to Ciudad Juarez, I was lectured on the importance of resilience. One trainer, Beth Payne, discussed her most challeng- ing experiences and the tools she used to overcome them. Beth spoke from the heart, giving our class a worksheet while telling her story, a speech intertwined with parenting, trauma, grief and death. Something told me to hold on to that worksheet. Little did I know that I would need it less than three weeks later when I arrived in Mexico in October 2018. For the next six months, I was repeatedly harassed by CBP officials at the border and flagged into secondary inspection for what I estimate to be 25 times. On two occasions, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials placed their hand on their gun. It took me a long time to realize that the officials could have killed me and gotten away with it. The ongoing harassment fromCBP and lack of any institutional support from State had a devastating impact on my health and my career. Quite frankly, I am not the same person any longer. A year later, I am beginning to find the courage to accept that I am on a new journey. This new path is not remotely close to what I planned for my life—which is disappointing and has taken some time for me to begin to accept. But it is also freeing. Disappointing, because I worked hard to get where I was, but freeing because I can now give myself grace to find the resources and community I need. Only Imagine Imagine how different things could have been if, when I told the Juarez regional and assistant security officers that I was being harassed by CBP officials, they had just said: “We believe you.” I wouldn’t be dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder, depres- sion and anxiety at the age of 28. Instead, I would be on my second tour, just like the rest of my class. Instead, I was repeatedly placed in situations where I was left to explain the harassment I continued to experience, beg- ging people in power to listen to me and act accordingly. I was handed white fragility served with a side of tears, of people in power scared to just do the right thing. I was silenced. After being transferred to Mexico City, I emailed Juarez management, and no one responded. Imagine if the people in power actually cared about the people they managed. How many of us have lost dreams or had dreams deferred? The State Department consistently educates and promotes the idea of resilience, but continues to erect barriers and create circumstances that require resilience. Life is hard enough in the Foreign Service, but how many of you could have careers that you dreamed of if it was just a little bit easier? During the period since my May 2020 blog post went viral, I have used my new platform to raise more than $33,000 for local organizations and nonprofits in Durham, N.C., my community. I made new friends, met an incredible woman who I am honored to call my mentor, and received more than a thousand emails of support. I’m extremely grateful for every single person who reached out with words of encouragement. As I’ve been on this journey, I am continuously reminded that we are absolutely nothing without our community. A Pervasive Pattern What surprised me most was how many people told me they were shocked that I came forward with my story. Far too many people suffer alone and in silence. To my dismay, I received numerous emails detailing a long history of abuse by CBP. As far as CBP goes, the agency has not been held accountable in my case or others. How does one seek justice when the perpetrator is the one investigating the crime? While my story is traumatic, it’s not the first at State, which is full of managers who contribute to a culture of “pale, male and Yale.” I’ve discovered that my experience resonated with many people of color who work for the department because they, too, have been harassed while crossing the U.S. border—and not just five, 10, 20, 30 years ago, but recently. They also have experi- enced blatant racism and discrimination, only to be dismissed, ignored and eventually have the experience repeated. If State has this kind of leadership , we should find other role models. The ongoing harassment from CBP and lack of any institutional support from State had a devastating impact on my health and my career.