The Foreign Service Journal, September 2004

R EFLECTIONS I Just Shake My Head Sometimes B Y J OHN D. B OYLL “I need some help.” “What seems to be the problem?” “There’s a snake in my office!” “This is Security. We deal with security issues. I’ll transfer you.” “Isn’t a snake a security concern?” “Is the snake holding a gun?” “Well, no. But he’s making threaten- ing gestures.” “Do you feel he may explode at any moment?” “No, but…” “That’s another department. I’ll transfer you.” “This is Maintenance.” “I have a problem.” “I’ll transfer you.” “No, wait — you don’t know what my problem is.” “We don’t handle problems. We deal with paint, appliances — that kind of stuff.” “But there’s a snake in my office!” “Oh, that’s Human Resources. I’ll transfer you.” “Why?” “We don’t deal with that.” “Why not?” “Every office has at least one snake in it.” “No, I mean a real snake — an animal with fangs.” “Oh, that’s Pest Control. I’ll transfer you.” “There’s a snake in my office.” “A snake?” “Yes, a snake.” “Well, don’t tell Maintenance; they won’t let you keep it.” “I don’t want to keep it. I want it removed.” “Oh, then you need to tell Maintenance. I’ll transfer you.” “No, Maintenance just transferred me to you .” “Sorry, but we’re Pest Control.” “A snake isn’t a pest?” “Well, is it bothering you?” “Yes, it’s bothering me!” “Oh, then you need to fill in Form SF-1108.” “Okay.” “Then you need to bring that form to this office between 8 and 10 a.m.” “But the snake is rattling at me right now.” “Rattling? What kind of snake is it?” “What? Do you want me to ask it?” “Well, if it’s a rattlesnake, you need a different form.” “What?” “You need a different form: SF-1109. SF-1108 is for non-poisonous snakes.” “Okay — but come quickly!” “I beg your pardon?” “How soon can you get here?” ”You need to fill in an SF-1109 first and bring it down between 8 and 10 a.m.” “But this is an emergency — it could bite people!” “Oh, why didn’t you say so? You need a different form for emergency requests.” “What!?” “ You need a different form: Form FS-9811.” “FS-9811.” “Yes. As soon as you can fax that form to us, we’ll get right on it.” “Okay. Form FS-9811.” “And Form SF-1109.” “ Two forms?” “Yes, one for the snake and one for the emergency.” “Okay, okay. I’ll send Form FS-1198 and Form SF-8911.” “What!? You have an alligator in your office?!” “What?!” “Form FS-1198 is for alligators.” “You just said it was for poisonous snakes.” “No, that’s Form SF- 1109 . How long have you had an alligator in your office?” “I…” “Maintenance won’t let you keep it.” “I — I guess I mean SF-1109.” “That’s fine, but it won’t help if you have an alligator.” “I don’t have an alligator – it’s a snake!” “Oh. I did think it’d be odd to have a rattling alligator, you know.” “Look, I need you to come right away — I’ll send the fax immedia — Ow !” “I beg your pardon?” “The snake just bit me!” “Oh, that’s another department. I’ll transfer you.” 96 F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L / S E P T E M B E R 2 0 0 4 John D. Boyll currently works with the U.S. embassy in Mexico City and has served with the State Department in Manila and Frankfurt. He enjoys writ- ing works of fiction and humor in his free time. The stamp is courtesy of the AAFSW Bookfair “Stamp Corner.”