The Foreign Service Journal, December 2004

6 AFSA NEWS • DECEMBER 2004 M aybe you’ve been at post long enough to know the good, the bad and the ugly, but some- times it’s best to keep your opinions to yourself. Newcomers have just been through the wringer of packing, mov- ing and traveling, and they’re trying to be enthusiastic. So, in the name of diplomacy, I suggest avoiding some of these (unfortunately common) real-life pitfalls and try not to make any of the following remarks: 1. “You’d better have a hobby or you’ll die of boredom here.” So said amanagement officer speak- ing at a newcomers’ orientation, shak- ing his head as though completely worn down by the lack of excitement in a South American post. The smiles dropped from the newcomers’ faces. But what they didn’t knowwas that the speaker didn’t have any hobbies that meshed with the culture. The country, while not the most exciting place on earth, was a garden spot for beaches, horses, music and dancing. 2. “Professional spouses don’t do well here.” Telling anyone upon arrival at a post that he or she won’t do well there can burst any bubble of excitement. Who knows? Maybe one professional can turn things around for others. Better to say, “While there are no positions in your field right now, we’re eager to have your input in this area.” 3. “Don’t bother learning the language. It’s too hard.” One of the best ways to adapt to the host country is to learn even a little of the local language. Being able to say, “Hello, how are you?” “How much is that?” “Please,” “Thank you,” or even, “I don’t speak .... Do you speak English?” is at least comforting, and at best empowering. Often, language classes give a foundering newcomer a reason to go out. 4. “You won’t make any friends here.” Isn’t that a sad comment? Being told this made me feel like a kindergartner having a rough first day. Americans are so diverse, it’s impossible to say who will make friends. While you can’t change a whole country’s mind about Americans, it’s probable that you’ll find a small niche of host-coun- try friends through special interests. 5. “The school is terrible. Your child will fall behind his U.S. peers and probably won’t graduate on time.” Never mind being told that I won’t find a job, learn the language or have friends. Butmy kids will fail, too? Most schools overseas don’t offer everything good stateside schools do, but their defi- ciencies are made up for by the cultur- al experiences provided, including early foreign language classes. Plus, it’s often possible to supplement any gaps with local sports clubs or an education- al allowance to enhance the academic program. Nothing is hopeless. 6. “Oh, you’re a specialist .” Outside of the Foreign Service, a spe- cialist is a highly experienced, respect- ed professional (i.e., a medical practi- tioner). When the air conditioning or computer is on the blink, aren’t you glad you have a highly educated and experienced engineer or IT profession- al around to fix it? 7. “No one joins that club.” My friend checked out the International Women’s Club in a European country, even after hearing, “Oh, it’s just a bunch of old ladies hav- ing tea.” Happily, she found that many of the club members were young and adventurous. And she learned a lot about the host country by participat- ing in the group’s cultural tours. 8. “The X officer is a real jerk.” Maybe the newcomer and the Xoffi- cer are cut from the same cloth; then you’ll have two enemies. If there’s a real warning to be given, say, “The X offi- cer is very particular about …” This gives the newcomer an opportunity to judge for himself or herself. 9. “The person you’re replacing was so fantastic. I don’t know how we’ll get along without him/her.” We do miss our friends who leave post before us, but this statement will surely make the newcomer feel like an intruder who will never measure up. 10. “The local pharmacies sell anti-depressants over the counter because so many Americans need them to survive this tour.” Normally this phrase would be pre- ceded by one of the other statements listed above. After you’ve avoided all of the above non-welcoming statements, how about trying this: “Like everywhere else in the world, this place has its good and bad points. Find the good here, and make that your focal point.” ▫ Marlene Monfiletto Nice is a Foreign Service spouse and a three-time newcomer. She is currently serving in Zagreb. FS VOICE: FAMILY MEMBER MATTERS BY MARLENE MONFILETTO NICE Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say to Newcomers JOSH