The Foreign Service Journal, December 2013

20 DECEMBER 2013 | THE FOREIGN SERVICE JOURNAL to cover your retirement benefits. So consult early with the retirement team in the Bureau of Human Resources. This, too, is a lesson we learned the hard way. So learn from our mistakes and make sure to e-mail the divorce decree to the folks in Retirement when you begin the discussion of a property settlement, to ensure that your final divorce decree is acceptable to them. They will then issue you a determination letter, making that one fewer thing to worry about when you finally leave federal service. Step 8: Don’t wait. It doesn’t get easier. We mean this in both the macro sense (the issues that are leading you to the decision to divorce won’t miraculously disappear at the next post) and from a practical perspective. If you think it is hard to agree now, just wait until you can no longer rely on the legal bond of mar- riage to get you to a consensus. You may be tempted to put off some decisions, since you will face so many complicated issues in so short a time, but we urge you to confront and resolve everything possible during the divorce. We know it seems easier to say, “Well, we’re not living in the house in Arlington now, so he can sell it later and get me off the mortgage then.” But let us assure you that you’ll regret not sorting that out now. Even if your divorce decree mandates a time by which the house must be sold, that verbiage is pretty toothless without a court date, and with any luck you’ll be on to a whole new (happier) chapter by the time that deadline arrives. The last thing you’ll want to do then is to revisit this issue. So resolve whatever the outstand- ing issue is now so that you can both close this chapter and move on. Step 9: Bring school(s) into the loop. You should let your children’s teachers and the school administration know as soon as possible about the massive seismic shift that is coming in your kids’ lives. They can offer support, counseling for kids who need a safe place to process their feelings, and a sense of normalcy for family members who may not feel it anywhere else. This isn’t always an easy thing to talk about. One school in a city with a large expat community told us it had never had a case where the kids stayed at post after a divorce. But despite a lack of familiar- ity with the process, that school really stepped up for us, as I think most respon- sible teachers and administrators will do. And as more families stay overseas during and after divorce, it will become even more vital to get your kids all the resources their school can muster. You should also consider looping in the Bureau of Consular Affairs’ Office of Children’s Issues if you think disagree- ments with your estranged spouse put your children at risk of parental child abduction. CA can assist with a hold on passport applications for your child while you get a court order detailing custody, which is a huge weight off your shoulders. Step 10: Believe that the end is in sight and that it will all be OK. This is the hard- est part. One of us took more than three years to reach agreement on a frame- work for sharing custody internationally, and there were times when we literally thought we’d be embroiled in the divorce struggle forever. But it will end, you will move on, and your kids will be fine—and so will you. Like so many things in life, if we knew then what we know now, we would have had faith. So I hope we can pay it forward now by offering some reassurance. We are happily remarried, as is one of our former spouses, and the other is happily pursuing the career of their dreams. As we told ourselves in our darkest hours, “everyone will be happier eventu- ally,” and that has turned out to be truer than we ever realized. Our kids look at this as another variation of the “third culture kid” life that was already familiar, and they are thriving, despite our worst fears. We wish each of you luck, and what- ever peace you can find in an inherently stressful process, and extend our hope that the future will be better and happier for everyone involved. Feel free to e-mail us with questions, and we’ll do our best to answer them and give you our informal “divorce advice” (FitzsimmonsEN@state.gov and SeipertRR@state.gov ). n As more FS families stay overseas during and after divorce, it becomes even more vital to get your kids all the resources their school can muster.