The Foreign Service Journal, January 2005

ing with families. The bottom line is always be polite, always listen, and always be professional. Surprisingly, even in the worst sit- uations, people will respond in kind. But if you lose a family’s trust, you will never get it back. The same goes for the media. They are quite willing to let you play the role of bad bureaucrat, hiding information, dragging your feet, and being unhelpful to the family. Don’t let them. Be the family’s best advocate and a trustworthy source to the media if you can talk about the case. Also, families also need positive identi- fication. Any doubt will linger. Tattoos, birthmarks, clothing and other details are valuable tools and can put a loved one’s mind at rest. Be attentive, but … Protect your mind. Death is not pretty. You may need to identify the body, accompany the family, or be on hand for an exhumation. You’ll remember it all. Although you may be quite involved, try to keep your memories as snapshots and not home movies. Watch out for burnout. Although we heard a house with dead Americans in it was booby-trapped, the American Citizens Services FSN disregarded my instructions and was in the first group of officials to enter the house. He stayed there throughout the night as the two Americans were exhumed; then he and I went to the morgue and later met with the family. Both of us went home wanting to burn our clothing because of the stench. Solid, knowledgeable and unwavering, he was there when we needed him. The danger is mak- ing that person in your mission the go-to person every time. Rotate your people in high-stress posts so they don’t burn out. The Privacy Act. Our super-experienced consular officer always convinced American prisoners to sign waivers and was then able to get in touch with their fam- ily members. Maybe he told the Americans that in his experience, no matter how embarrassing it might be to have been arrested or have had an accident, families gen- erally come through in an emergency. And they do. In the one case that we didn’t get the waiver, the man was later beaten to death in prison and did not even leave his real name. By the time his family finally found us, the body had to be exhumed from a pauper’s grave. Do the right thing. It sounds stranger than fiction, but one American couple, in a drug- and-alcohol-induced haze, was indeed trying to sell their infant. Mexican authorities could not get anyone to testify, although we found many eyewitnesses. The infant was clearly in danger. We picked her up from the Mexican child protection service and were headed to the border. Just as we were at Mexican Customs, I’m told, the parents were being released from jail. By all rights, once they were free, they would have to be reunited with the girl. Somehow, we didn’t get the call that they were free from jail until we were across the bor- der. Darn cell phones just don’t work on the border sometimes. We placed the girl in the protective cus- tody of the state of Texas. The parents would have to convince a judge that they were fit. I don’t believe they ever did. Recall the lives you save through diplomacy. Hostage situations, repatriation of remains, the essen- tial tip in a missing person case … most of the prob- lems we face overseas are resolved, or not, by the host government. The relationship with the prosecutor that you cultivate on the tennis court, the key contact in the prison that allows you unrestricted access because of mutual respect, the city official whose daughter’s wedding you took the time to attend — all of those things pay off. These contacts may make the difference between life and death; and even in death cases they make things smoother. Our consular agent was able to repatriate the remains of four servicemen killed in an accident almost immediately because of her excellent contacts on both sides of the border. In general, Foreign Service officers are really not that tough. We feel pain just turning down a visa applicant. But unlike our dealings with congressional and staff delegations, who normally just pose the risk of a bruised ego or two, duty officers and American Citizen Services officers often do face life-and-death situations. In those situations, use the skills that brought you into the Foreign Service and remember Winston Churchill’s advice — “Never, never, never give up.”  F O C U S 28 F O R E I G N S E R V I C E J O U R N A L / J A N U A R Y 2 0 0 5 You honor the memory of an innocent person killed by doing the best you can for those you meet in your next post.