The Foreign Service Journal, December 2012

THE FOREIGN SERVICE JOURNAL | DECEMBER 2012 39 input of the spouse or part- ner and older children, too. Having a say in a deci- sion gives us a sense of own- ership, which, in turn, has a positive correlation with a successful outcome. Con- versely, the more limited our say in the matter, the more we are likely to feel resentment, anger and a sense of powerlessness. There are, however, times in every diplomat’s career when the employee or spouse will be disappointed by a posting. It is then important to honor feelings of disappointment, resent- ment or powerlessness as a normal response to a difficult situa- tion, and to allow them to be expressed safely in order to let go of them and move on to the business of fully living life. One way to do this is to engage in strenuous physical activity while occupying the mind with something other than the nega- tive emotion—such as running up and down the stairs while counting backward from 100 by threes. Alternatively, one can do breathing exercises, slowing down the body to release those feelings. One basic drill is to close the eyes, breathe normally and put the hands on the abdomen. Then feel the belly expand on the inhale and contract on the exhale. Once there is a rhythm going, a count is added for each complete breath. So it would be one, inhale, belly expands, exhale contracts; two, inhale, exhale and so on. Try this for 10 breaths and you will definitely feel less attached to the negative emotion than you were before you started. It is also important to get involved in activities where a certain amount of personal power can be exercised. For the employee, this can often be found in the workplace. For the accompanying spouse, getting involved with a child’s school or volunteering in a place where he or she is valued, or doing something one feels passionate about can help alleviate feel- ings of powerlessness. Timing is also crucial when evaluating the situation. During relatively stable periods in our lives, transitions can be made more smoothly. When there is upheaval in another area, such as a physical illness, a rocky relationship, an aging parent or a troubled teen, the stress will be exacerbated. It may be neces- sary in these situations to give ourselves time and permission to address the other, more pressing issues before we can even think about adapting to the posting. Another pertinent aspect of the situation for an employee is whether he or she is married or single. There is much talk about “family friendly” posts, which is necessary. But single people also need to know that there are other single people around, or they are likely to feel lonely and lack support. This is particularly true for young women who are aware of their biological clocks ticking. Like families, singles need to gather as much “soft information” as possible when evaluating a potential posting. The Self The second ‘S’ refers to the self, and one’s general outlook on life. It’s the old question of whether the glass is half-full or half-empty. Whether we have a generally optimistic or pessi- mistic “take” on life involves deeply held attitudes and beliefs that we probably learned at an early age, or toward which we have a genetic predisposition. On closer examination, we may find that we hold a negative view of life, or some particular aspect of it—for example, our ability to be happy in the work- place. For instance, we might see a choice between two postings as a choice between two negative alternatives. If we are brave enough to recognize (without judging ourselves) that we may be hanging on to an outworn negative belief, such as “I can never be happy” or “I’m not good enough,” the first step is to look at the situation in a more realistic light and see what is actually true. If one can lift the veil of a pessimistic overlay, it is possible to see the positive side of a particular situation, and change fear into excitement. Support Systems The importance of having a network of a spouse or partner, family members, friends and colleagues to whom we can turn in times of stress cannot be overemphasized. Unfortunately, during major expat transitions, our support system is often disrupted. It then becomes imperative to begin to build a new one as soon as we can. Fortunately, the Foreign Service assigns a sponsor to new families. And in some cities there are now organizations for expatriates to meet others in the same boat. Just knowing that there is someone we can call when we’re about to “lose it” can be a lifesaver. Foreign Service spouses who feel isolated may have a tendency to dump everything on The 4S System—situation, self, support and strategies— helps FS families manage transfers.